Twice in the novel does Esther use the phrase "I am I am I am.": once in Chapter 13 and again in Chapter 20. These two phrases (the first without commas and the second with) mean two very different things in context. In Chapter 13, Esther is fighting against her body as she tries to commit suicide by drowning and then by hanging. Esther sees her body as separate from her self. She notes her heart beating "I am I am I am" as she unsuccessfully attempts to drown herself. While Esther does not have a will to live, her body affirms its existence with "I am I am I am." She again tries to commit suicide by hanging, but again her body thwarts her: "Then I saw that my body had all sorts of little tricks, such as making my hands go limp at the crucial second, which would save it, time and again, whereas if I had the whole say, I would be dead in a flash. I would simply have to ambush it with whatever sense I had left, or it would trap me in its stupid cage for fifty years without any sense at all." She even gets books on "abnormal psychology" to match symptoms and better understand her body: "I could learn all I needed to know about my case to end it in the proper way." However, it seems she starts doubting herself and agreeing with her body as she wonders whether or not to just turn herself into a psychiatric facility. She is told to volunteer at a hospital to distract herself and thinks about going to church to be convinced of not committing suicide. However, she eventually decides to attempt once more to kill herself with sleeping pills after seeing her father's grave. Again she is unsuccessful and is moved to a psychiatric facility.
The other time the phrase "I am, I am, I am." comes up is when Esther is at Joan's funeral. This time, Esther seems much more in tune with her body: "I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart." That she anthropomorphizes her body ("old brag") suggests better knowledge and familiarity with it--not surprising considering she has just experienced sex for the first time. Perhaps her heart is bragging because Esther has just had a friend of hers die. While Esther was seeking death earlier with a curious fascination, she now sees the reality of death and is drawn away from it.
I think Esther's loss of her morbid curiosity shows how she has progressed since the beginning of the novel. This might not be a typical development in coming-of-age novels, but Esther is also not a typical girl.
I agree with your main ideas here, that the first time Esther uses "I am I am I am," she is disconnected from her body and sees it as an enemy rather than an ally, but the next time, "I am, I am, I am," she is more connected. She is definitely more familiar with her body, but I would say mainly because of her struggle with depression. She has gone through a lot, and now she can appreciate that her body has been fighting for her the whole time, and as a result she is still alive.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this new connection is related to her loss of virginity - that seemed to be a pretty anticlimactic moment for her.
This is an interesting take on the recurrence of this neat metaphor of the heart as "boasting" while asserting that the body is alive (a "taunt" if the mind does not want to be alive). I hadn't noticed the commas before (or, rather, the lack of them the first time)--I like the idea that her second use of this image reflects that she's more "in touch" with her own body now (and thus, her mind and body are no longer "enemies" in the same way).
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